well...half empty

This is my year. I've been saying that all year. I'm 30 this year. I will make great things happen this year. I will try things I've never tried before. I will take chances in love and life that I have previously not taken.
These simple resolutions have been my mantra.

it hasn't exactly been that way so far...
The place I worked, and loved working at, closed.
Someone tried to break into my house, while I was in my house. Someone broke into the neighbor's house. I bought a gun to try and restore my sense of well being, of sanity. My 30th birthday rolled through, and with it, a short visit from Depression. The vehicle that I own, and love, needed more than just my fond feelings to keep it running lately. My step-father, again, who I love, had a heart attack. The man that I have grown emotionally attached to, left for Alaska.

really?

But this is my year. I refuse to let the circumstances of life rob me of the joy of the journey.
So, I moved. I feel safe again. My dogs are happy with their backyard, my Jeep is happy with her garage, and I couldn't be happier with my new place. It's so cute, I should buy an apron with lace on the bottom. Seriously, it's adorable. There are still boxes stacked about; I've only just finished moving tonight. Somehow, though, I am the most calm I've been in a while. Maybe it's the clean start. Maybe it's the chance to refresh, re-organize and re-invent. As I sit here with my cup of tea, after a long day of moving, and hauling and putting furniture together, I am reaffirming that this is my year. I will still accomplish things this year that I never knew possible. Not because I am 30, but because I am a fighter. I will fight for peace and meaning in my own life. I will fight to show the people that I love how much they are a part of me. I will fight to find the happiness that I deserve.
And when all that is over, I will sit on my porch, cup of tea, and be overwhelmed by how great life can be...kinda like I am tonight.


What do you do when the glass looks half empty? Yell "bartender, another drink please!"

the channels of my fortune..

Today’s romance horoscope: (from Glamour.com)

What your love life needs is some pointless adventure. So go out with someone you know is all wrong for you, but who is ever so charming and adorable. What's life without a little mischief? (Answer: extremely dull.)

wow..who comes up with this shit? Whoever it is..I LOVE IT!

oh, and my fortune cookie message today?
"The next few days are a lucky time for you. You can take a chance"

Not bad for a day when the spring solstice has occured and it's snowing outside. Yeah, I know, there are many places in the country that will still have snow for a while, but I live in Texas. The place where bluebonnets have already starting blooming, and I've layed out by a pool already this year.

But appearantly, craziness is the word of the day!

roadkill potential....

There are moments in life when the circle is very apparent. You know, the circle that confirms that what goes around, comes around; that Karma is real, and that every action has a reaction..blah blah blah. I'm not unique in my saga today. Many people have been where I stand today, many have known the feeling. But it still my plight today, to be reminded that I am lucky.

Not long ago, I fell for a man. A charming, charismatic, talented man. He inspired me to be a better musician, to write and play more than I normally would. We would write music together, and challenge each other in something we both loved.
After the guitar strings no longer rang, and the songs were lost, I began to feel something. Something, that now I know, was a big red flag. There were too many phone calls, too many other girls that were texting late in the night.
And I was right. Not before my heart was invloved, but I was right. In fact, I was more than right. I was the other woman. I was the very essence of an idea that I hated. I didn't know it at the time, but I know it now. I know it, because I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the only one that felt a certain amount of guilt that comes with thinking that you couldn't keep your man happy. I have found that guilt is easier than the raw pain. It is something that I can justify, that I can personify to blame a broken heart on.
After time, as with all my hurts, I learn the proper place for the hard lesson I learned. In lyrics that I am proud of, that I smile when I sing now. In a friendship that was most unexpected. (Who would have found a friend in his girlfriend?) In a smarter, wiser, and slightly more cautious version of myself.

I have learned, just today, that he will be marrying the little tart that he messed around on me with.

I am so lucky to not be that girl!

When the sun starts to warm the dirt again, and I feel like my feet are finally starting to thaw, thats when I feel like I am back to life. " Just make it through the winter..spring isn't far away". Maybe it's the only way to make it through when things look like they might not work...just hang in there. I like to think I'm coming into the spring of my life as well. It's been a rough winter, emotionally, financially, and mentally. But, I can see the grass beginning to grow through the snow, and yes, there has been enough snow in Texas this year to understand that comparison.

So, Winter, you no longer scare me. I know that the warm weather is so close. I know that soon the trees will be green. I can almost feel the sunshine on my skin.

and it's that time again

How did it get to be thanksgiving already? I'm on the verge of a day of eating and visiting with the family, and taking naps, and picking at left overs...all the things I love about the holidays. *sigh* I am thankful for many things..mostly that I am at my mom's house, curled up on the guest bed, with my dogs, watching Steel Magnolias. I am thankful for the year that I have had. I won't list all the things that I'm thankful for..too cliche, but I hope that your holiday is something that makes you stop and think. I hope that you are surrounded by people you love, and that you have enough.

happy holiday

Merrily We Roll Along...

So, I'm driving home Sunday night. I'm not in a big hurry, but I'm moving along. My mind is preoccupied with the 25 things I need to do when I get home.
Then I see it. Its a car. Its an early model convertible, with 2 white haired people in it..and its going really slow.
Damn it. And on a 2 lane.

I realize that they are out for a Sunday drive, enjoying the open air, maybe something classic on the stereo, and enjoying each other. Its almost dark, and I haven't the heart to ruin their Sunday cruise with my headlights directly behind them. To avoid tail-gating them, now I'm driving 30 miles and hour as well.
Great...
But then something happened. I let all of me slow down. I'm normally the one reminding you to take a look around once in a while, make sure you aren't missing the journey in search of the destination.
I had to be the one reminded this time...
With the summer upon us, there are many opportunities to enjoy the journey. Maybe that's what "The Fork in the Road" is..a look at the journey while en route to the destination.
So, take a look around. Find a local farmers market, if you can, and smell the fruits of summer. Lay by the pool, with plenty of sunscreen, and feel the sunshine. If you live in Fort worth, catch the free fireworks show from the Botanic Gardens every weekend through this month. If you aren't lucky enough to live here, find something that makes you stop, and just breathe in life a little.

when I think of you (both)

Sometimes, it's a song. I hear it on the radio and I stop, catch my breath, and mouth along with the words; I don't have the heart to sing the words out loud. In one refrain, I am transported to another place, with warm sunshine, cool waters, and contentment. Somewhere between the lines that rhyme, are the stories that we wrote together.


Sometimes, like today, its an old friend asking how you are. He doesn't know...so I tell him that you are great, that life is always a surprise, and that's the way we like it. He says to tell you "hi", and I promise to do so.

Okie says hi.

question of the day

..I don't sleep.
...I don't eat.
...I cry now and then.
...I walk around my house.
...I get dressed up and listen to people tell me "we will consider you"
...I question who I am and what I know.
...I wonder what tomorrow brings

What am I?



Just another unemployed american

random things

You know you are getting older when carrying an umbrella on a rainy Friday night seems like a smart idea, not a detriment to looking cool!

They have books on the History of Farts, but nothing on "How to Be Sure You Aren't Wasting Your Life"

Most days I hate Facebook. Your drama is so much more important to you than it is to me.

something familiar

I know it has been too long, but as always the road has taken some twist and turns. Like any good navigator, I am back on track, and ready for the next roadside attraction!
I hope your trip is going great!!!

doh

There are times when even I do stupid things. I have a feeling that it's not a good idea, but I do it anyway. One of these days I will learn to listen to that little voice. Until then, I will keep shaking my head at myself for just being stupid. Luckily, I'm ok this one, and I will be in the not stupid zone soon!!
I think we should throw a party when I get back to feeling smart again! What kind of decorations do you use for that?

small thoughts

I should be inspired to write something, I have so many things on my mind, but I also have alot of things on my plate as well.

So until I have more time to visit, I leave you with this....

yeah, yeah

not that Miley Cyrus EVER crosses my mind for more than 20 seconds, but in my daily internet catch up, I actually read an article about her.
That article was good enough, and the additional videos were entertaining enough, I thought I would waste a whole post on her. (but if you read it fast enough, it won't take more than 30 seconds of your time!)

check it

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.

This singular definition can sum up my entire life up to this point. When looking for something, be it the idealism in my post collegic years, the chance to prove that I was the person I knew I could be, or taking necessary steps to survive and pay the bills, there are always the good things along the way that make the journey as great as the destination. Today, I know I am where I am suppose to be. My life is just what I was looking for.

I can't wait to see the things I wasn't looking for.

so I'm a Monkey

I found my Chinese horoscope..I'm not sure I like it..I sound like a flighty, selfish party animal.....


The spunky Monkey is the original party animal! Charming and energetic, Monkeys crave fun, activity and stimulation. They truly know how to have a good time and can often be seen swinging from one group of friends to another, attracting a motley crew in the process. Always upbeat, they are considered minor celebrities in their circle thanks to their sparkling wit and that rapier-sharp mind. Perhaps surprisingly, Monkeys are also good listeners and tackle complicated situations with ease. This Sign's natural curiosity lends it the desire to become knowledgeable on a broad range of topics. Monkeys have a show-off side that loves nothing more than to dazzle their pals with all they know.
The Monkey tends to be rather accident-prone due to a certain lack of very high morals. This Sign's first interest is pursuing its own pleasure; this is not a malicious interest, it's just the way the Monkey is. However, this kind of carefree self-involvement can lead to all kinds of scrapes. In love, the Monkey makes a fun, exciting lover -- but one that may have the potential to stray romantically. The good news is, the Monkey’s glib manner and witty repartee can often get this Sign out of a scrape. Perhaps not everyone will be won over by the Monkey -- but do you think the Monkey really cares? The Monkey's world, full of devil-may-care energy and revelry, isn't for everyone. Remember, though, it's not that this Sign is mean; it might just be a bit too curious for its own good. Monkeys often feel the need to try everything at least once, which can make for a merry-go-round of relationships.
The Monkey's love of self-indulgence can also lead to other types of trouble. This Sign may have limited self-control concerning food, alcohol and other pleasurable activities. It's party time all the time for the Monkey, yet when it leads to a monster hangover or a shattered heart (generally someone else's, not theirs), this Sign might actually show a touch of remorse. They won't flat-out admit the error of their ways, but at least they'll pull back and try to tone things down -- for a while.
Monkeys must try to learn to think of others ahead of themselves, at least some of the time. This Sign's world will be more complete once it realizes the world doesn't revolve around it.

my latest project

I know in the blog world, it can be a bit impersonal, hiding behind our anonymity, but this is something very personal to me. I recorded this version of the National Anthem just recently, and was very proud of not only the audio, but of the video that it was placed over (many kudos to the producer, as it was not me)

I hope you enjoy

a new day

Just as suspected, the gloomy mood didn't last, and today, the world is a little brighter place. I hate that unexpected slip into the dark places, but alas, it happens.

A talk with a good friend, a great glass of wine, and some sleep are good remedies, should this ever happen upon you! It's something like making your own sunshine, even when the clouds still loom over the horizon.

clouds in the road

sometimes it is hard to be the momma bear, being the shoulder for everyone else. It's not that I don't have the words or the time, but today, I'm the one that needs the support.

The world is a dingy grey color today, not black, but somewhere I can feel very alone, and sometimes, a bit useless.

I know that tomorrow, or even the next day, I will be back to my old self, full of cheer and encouraging words. The sun will shine, and I will once again realize how lucky I am, and be overwhelmed with thankfulness that my life is simple and at times, drama free. But for tonight, I will indulge just a bit, and be bothered by things that I normally don't think much about.

*my bed seems really lonely with only me in it

*I'm staring 30 years old straight in the face, and wonder what I have to show for it

* I haven't slept well in a while, because I feel a but unsafe in my house

thoughts from the corner of my mind

I believe in you
I believe that you will see the situation clearly, even if it's not today.
I believe that you are the great person I see underneath the pain and the uncertainty that plagues you today.
I believe that you are trying to fill a void that is painful, that makes you question how the rest of your life will turn out.
I believe that we have time. I believe that you can keep looking for something to fill that void, but that I will still be waiting to hold your hand. Don't look for other things too hard, I don't want something harmful to you making you forget.
I believe that you will see the truth, that you will see the worth that I see, that you will let yourself love again.
and when you do, I will be there

spring in the air

I thought spring was here, then snow arrives. I love Texas!

I love Texas in the spring especially. I've been back here a year this past month, and as I sit here this afternoon, with sunshine blazing through the open windows , the dogs playing in the yard, I think back at what a year its been. It has been a busy one, getting establisthed, starting a new life. I'm now on the course of slowing down a bit, enjoying more margaritas on patios, and more cookouts with friends.

I start a new job tomorrow, one very simliar to the one I've had all this past year, just a different place. I am excited about more money, new opportunites. I will get more time to ride my bike, which I love to do, more time for a life.

My birthday rolls around this weekend. It tends to be a time of reflection, time to make sure life is on the course I want, and to access what needs to be changed. I seem to be starting off rather well, with a better job in tow, and a great Texas summer ahead!